Abstract Academic: Children are the future, unfortunately

There are many among us who value our children as the world’s greatest asset.


Oh, sure, Gandhi was inspired by them, saying often that they were the only source from which “real peace in this world” could be learned. Some guy named Einstein said that we should emulate children and their constant search for truth and beauty. Another famous American scholar, Whitney Houston, once sang that she believes that “children are our future,” and that we should “teach them well, and let them lead the way.”

Pretentious academicians.

I do believe that children are our future, but this is not a good thing. We should be doing all we can to thwart them, because they are not as innocent or pure as Gandhi or a Charlie Brown Christmas special makes them out to be.

I’ve spent most of this summer working with kids, managing a summer school activities program for children at a local elementary school, and I have been wholly unimpressed. Oh, sure, some of them are friendly enough, and occasionally entertaining, but if we really are planning to leave the future of our planet in the hands of a group of small people who think that Smucker’s Uncrustables are an actual food product, then we had better write them out of our planetary will.

“But children are so inventive!” you peacemongers shout. “They are tolerant and accepting of their fellow man.”

Hogwash. You obviously have not spent time with any actual miniature humans. Anyone who thinks children are tolerant and peaceful needs to see what happens when three little girls play together.

There’s something destructively powerful about a trio of girls. The mathematics of the situation work out perfectly so that one little girl always feels neglected by the other two. The three I had this summer were especially dysfunctional. Girl 1 would be seen running across the playground, boo-hooing loudly. I would have to feign compassion and listen while Girl 1 told her deeply painful story of how SHE wanted to be Ariel the mermaid, but Girl 2 said SHE wanted to be Ariel first, and Girl 3 sided with Girl 2 just because she HATES Girl 1. After several minutes of circuitous logic, in which I would calmly explain that they couldn’t both be Ariel, but she would insist that the only possible solution was that Girl 2 relinquish the role of the mermaid, Girl 1 would sloppily wipe her nose off with her sleeve and then run back to join the two others. Minutes later, Girl 2 could be seen sprinting across the grass, sobbing.

Are these really the hands into which we should entrust our country’s future diplomacy? I would say no. From this point forward, I declare war against all children. Let’s take back our future!

We will take over the Disney Channel and force them to watch television programs that employ actual writers, instead of just joke-writing computers. Their brains will explode from the mental effort of having to appreciate Cougar Town.

Our greatest scientists will study Joan Rivers and John McCain to find out how to prolong the life of a human far beyond its usefulness, so they’ll never be rid of us.

Most importantly, we will continue to tell them lies, like “If you sit too close to the TV, your nose will melt,” or “Your face will freeze that way,” or “It’s important that you learn long division.”